Toilet training and identity formation
The consciousness of our excretory system (that we poop and pee) and that it causes dis-smell from others is the first time we experience a negative perception of ourselves from others. It is the first experience we have with shame.
Unfortunately, this consciousness occurs at the same time as the first bout of identity formation. As you are beginning to know yourself as a separate being from everyone else, the process of understanding that there are also aspects about you that can bring you shame is also occurring. How these two interact is dependent on your social environment’s 1. Reaction to your excretory dissmell and 2. To your identity formation. If they react negatively, giving you a perception of shame towards the fact that you pee and poop, their reaction is internalized into your identity formation as a
”you” problem. If they also react negatively to you expressing your individuality, both your excretory system and identity become sources of toxic shame.
The other aspect that is also coming into our awareness at around this time is awareness and formation of sexual identity. The formation of a sexual identity also comes with a lot of familial and social shame.
No wonder the interplay between sexual behaviours and scents. What you smell like literally determines whether you get some or not. Ask the perfume industry and every other industry committed to masking excretory scents. All of them from those selling air fresheners to toothpaste. It’s all about masking excretory scents and helping us prevent the triggering of the rejection wound.
Shame versus toxic shame
Healthy shame and toxic shame differ in that one is productive while the other one is not.
Healthy shame is feeling embarrassed for having done something wrong. It is external-focused and action-based in that it is based on the thing you did wrong and not your identity. This means that it is not interpreted as having anything to do with your worth as a person. For example, I might be ashamed that I showed up 30 minutes late to a meeting but still know that is not a reflection of who I am as a person. The fact that it is not about me as a person but my action is empowering because it becomes something that I can easily change through a change of behaviour. This kind of shame motivates positive behavioural change. It is productive. It is empowering.
Toxic shame on the other hand is non-productive and personalized to be a reflection of one’s identity. It is not a shame about something that one can do anything about. It also in many cases misplaced shame from internalized aspects of one’s lie.
Internalizing something means taking the blame for it and making it about you. When one internalizes shame or blame, they attack themselves by attaching that shame onto something that they think is wrong with them. For example, I grew fat and internalized a lot of social rejection for it. After internalizing it, I now attack myself as I have been attacked in the same ways that I was attacked. If I am rejected in dating I tag it on the very thing that I reject in myself and that others have rejected in me, fatness. This multiplies my shame for being fat.
Another way we internalize shame is in places where we or the people in our lives don’t meet sociocultural ideals.
The problem with internalizing something is that 1. Since it is not your doing you cannot undo it. For example, I have internalized my parent’s divorce as a shameful event, what role did I have in the divorce? None. So what can I undo about it? Nothing. It is unproductive and helpless to continue feeling shame or carrying the blame for something that I had no responsibility for and cannot change.
If it is shame around what I look like, what role did I have in creating myself? What can I do to change how I was created apart from making accommodation for it? Nothing. Then is it worth having shame about it? Nope!
The other problem with toxic shame is that it causes shame spirals. One minute I am trying to make sense of why my interview didn’t go well. I pin it on my African accent, this spirals all the way to the first time I was rejected for having an accent and I am now feeling all the emotions of each of those events at the time. If uninterrupted this leads to emotional flashbacks. You can see how eventually, emotional flashbacks lead to suicidal thoughts.
The results of toxic shame are attacking oneself, withdrawal and isolation due to feeling unworthy, and eventually mood disorders and suicidal thoughts.
Self-worth versus self-confidence
Confidence is action-based. It is about I can. It is based on learned skills e.g. presentation skills, cooking, mechanics, etc.
Worth is about I am. That you are human is the only criteria for being worthy. It is not about your background, skills, looks, career, etc. You are worthy because you simply are human. You are accorded human rights, not because of your background or current standing in society but because you are human and worthy.
How do these two relate to shame?
Well, remember that our first experience of shame is for very natural human things, pooping, that we are sexual beings, etc. Whether or not our experience with shame at this stage is toxic or productive determines how well we are able to separate self-confidence and self-worth.
If we have a caregiver who responds to our development in a conducive manner, we grow up being accepting of our humanness. We learn that there is nothing wrong with our personhood and that whatever we do wrong is not reflective of personal failure.
If not, we grow up with shame around very human behaviours. We learn that we are wrong just for being. We are unable to separate doing wrong and being wrong. Ultimately, we tag anything going wrong in our environment to that feeling of being inherently wrong. In trying to overcome this, we strive hard for control and perfectionism because anything being “wrong” triggers that feeling of being wrong i.e. unworthiness.
We take our actions and those of others to be reflective of who they are. We are unable to separate the person from the action.
Professionally, we are crippled by imposter syndrome. In our social engagements, we reject ourselves before we are rejected by sabotaging things. In families, we are on our toes controlling each other to prevent bringing shame upon the family. Spiritually, we take sin to mean that we are unworthy.
In the end, we are stuck in doing and not being. Our entire being becomes based on performing. Performing relationships, performing success, performing religiosity, performing culture, performing anything and everything. All in the chasing of worthiness.
To end this, nothing about your self-worth is related to any external factor about you. You are worthy because you are human. Worth is not action or effort-based.
Confidence on the other hand is. This is great news because it empowers you to do something about areas in your life where it is lacking. It also encourages help-seeking behaviour because does it say anything about your worth that you don’t know something? Nope, so seek help where you need it without any shame.
Poetry
Nipe kuku mwenye pilipili manga na kuku manga, ni mange ni pate nguvu ya kukumanga. *Drops mic*
Don’t forget, you heard it here first.
I am out.
Thank you for reminding us, that we are worthy, without everything we are chasing and being human and alive is all that matters 💖